All-purpose excuses

Are you a plumber, electrician, phone engineer or plasterer who said they'd turn up to carry out a job "just after lunchtime" but can't make it? Here's another list of fantastic excuses to use when you ring up to promise you'll be there tomorrow instead, "round about teatime, definite!"

• My nan went into labour and I had to rush her to East Grinstead hospital
• The cat ate my toolbox and we had to force-feed it caster oil
• Sorry mate I put your postcode in my satnav the wrong way 'round and ended up in Arbroath, but don't worry I won't charge ya the petrol money or nothing
• I couldn't answer the 'phone for the last week unfortunately 'cos it fell down a toilet and the missus has been drying it with a hairdrier so I only just got your 14 messages and 7 voicemails
• I had this emergency job come up at an old people's home and had to drop everything
• I completely forgot it was my auntie Gwen's funeral and ... you're breaking up.... what... sor... charge the battery then I'll give ya a ring yeah...
• Sorry I couldn't make it, I went to sign on and got called in for a Restart interview that went on all morning
• This UFO abducted my nan and....
• The van's off the road after I got cut up by this Polish HGV and went into this geezer from Hull, makes you wonder why we even joined the Common Market dunnit
• Our house got repossessed and the bailiffs took my phone but I'll be 'round just as soon as I can get the kids settled in their foster home