How quickly can you hit that "next channel" button?

Multi-channel telly is great, isn't it? But you should never let that remote control slip too far out of sight. Here's a quick set of cues for those of you who may be a little inexperienced at prodding that "channel up" button before it's *too* late...

1. And next, starring Jennifer Aniston...
2. The following programme includes sexual scenes, violence, and a scene set in the local Conservative Club
3. Back by popular demand, it's the 13th set of repeats of the 34th series of...
4. Let's join Sky News now for a series of wildly misinformed and deranged statements by Adam Boulton
5. In case you missed that episode of Two And A Half Men we have eight back-to-back episodes coming up, and Charlie Sheen is successively smugger (yet falsely modest) in every single one...
6. If you'd like to see the next program in HD sit a bit closer to the screen and give your specs a quick wipe (okay, that one is just too implausible: for a start it doesn't involve paying an extra £10 per month with a two-year lock-in for a supposedly "free" upgrade)
7. It's that time of year so gather 'round the fire for The Snowman/The Great Escape/It's A Wonderful Life/some pile of shite with Adam Sandler pretending to be Santa's elf*
8. Five hours of recorded highlights of the Indonesian Grand Prix up next, but first a quick interview with Alex Ferguson who explains how simply wonderful and infallible he is, for the forty thousandth time
9. We haven't had a madcap stunt by David Blaine for at least fifteen minutes, so let's see how feckin' smart he looks with a cheese grater stuck up his rectum. (Actually I'd watch that one.)
10. Now let's hand you over to Davina McCall for...

* delete as applicable

http://www.whitedot.org 

Mad wierdxxx xxxxx xxxxxers

Unfortunately my libel lawyer has advised that this entire blog entry about Scientology should be deleted and in particular the references to short-arsed closet xxx actor Txx Crxxxxx. Sorry about that.

More ridiculous World Cup tat

The deluge of shoddy shite on the market which exploits the World Cup continues to gather momentum with every passing day. (And how long, I wonder, before every mention of "World Cup" has to carry the obligatory strapline ©FIFA 2010 for fear of an enormous lawsuit?)

Cats, according to T S Eliot (the only literary reference you're gonna get in this posting), sleep anywhere.

← But if you're an eejit you could always invest 8 quid in this utterly stupid cat bed thing which is part of the Pets At Home World Cup range. Watch in awe as Tiddles sniffs it once, turns and glares, licks her arse then never goes near it again. And quite right too.

At least drinking beer and eating junk food fit the popular stereotype of how red-blooded English males will be spending the next two months (or however how long it is the World Cup goes on for). Even so, the full range of Walkers World Cup crisps almost defies the imagination....

The host nation's pack is colourful but the flavour choice is all wrong: either biltong or boerewors surely?

Which wretch had to synthesise the flavour of kangaroo? Who for god's sake had to sample the shortlist (and then presumably some real bits of kangaroo) before signing off on the echte Australian flavour?

What could crisps that taste like Spag Bol really taste like? And English Roast Beef would have been bad enough, but why the Yorkshire Pudding too? Did they bottle out of Tripe with Jellied Eels?

The flavours are probably more likely to resemble Rooney's Boot, Crouch's Jockstrap, and John Terry's Armpit, with a bit of Didier Drogba's Smegma for cheese lovers. 

As for "Scottish" haggis... they're not even in the World Cup. Presumably this appears in the range, along with the no doubt equally vile flavours for Wales and Ireland, so that the subject peoples of the UK don't feel left out.

If they have more money than sense Welsh, Scottish, and Irish fans will instead be buying this, an absolute bargain for those of a scatological bent →

In the rush to flood the market with tat where, I wonder, is the authentic S A police sjambok and .38 memorial gift set? Bound to win a following among the Country Club set surely?

"My husband and I regularly use ours when the servants get uppity" says Mrs Olivia Keffirbesher of Henley-on-Thames.