Cut the BBC for all I care

One of the rites of summer, as the early signs emerge of the next financial year's outlook, is a steady flow of alarming stories about how the BBC's marvellous world-best services are under threat if the licence fee isn't raised substantially the following year. This year has been a little different in that the signs seem to be that the licence fee may be frozen next year and this - we are led to believe - will lead to a catastrophic reduction in auntie Beeb's cutting edge offerings across radio, television, the web, blah blah blah.

Surely as a lefty defender of "culture" and public services generally I am up in arms about this? Well, funnily enough, no. In fact I find myself very close to agreeing with practically every word of the following Conservative Party posting on the subject: http://conservativehome.blogs.com/platform/2010/09/mark-littlewood-the-bbcs-time-has-past.html

I would have to ask: did the BBC make any of the following series, to pluck a half dozen or so at random from the air: The Sopranos, Arrested Development, The Wire, Six Feet Under, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Lost...? Oddly: no. They have been spending the licence fee - as usual - on episode after episode of shitty soap operas, 40 or so more episodes of Casualty per year, the 69th series of Last Of The Summer Wine, and - of course - keeping the same old white male Oxbridge claque in their comfy generously paid risk-free management jobs.

The BBC's flagship programmes are probably perfectly capable of becoming self-sufficient: they're mostly talent contests and "reality shows" of course, just like on every other channel. But Dr Who and Top Gear for example seem to have large audiences and a well-developed line in merchandise (toys, books, even birthday cakes) and if people want to watch public schoolboys damaging the environment, heehawing about how much they hate vegetarians, and laughing at one another's scripted "witty" remarks week after week after week then good luck to them. But why should I pay for it when they could simply show adverts every 15 minutes just like all the other channels do?

The BBC licence fee is a regressive tax which penalises poor people for the one simple pleasure that goes some way towards numbing the boredom of being on society's scrapheap. And yet people end up in prison for not paying the fine for not having their telly licence. It's nothing short of shameful.

All-purpose excuses

Are you a plumber, electrician, phone engineer or plasterer who said they'd turn up to carry out a job "just after lunchtime" but can't make it? Here's another list of fantastic excuses to use when you ring up to promise you'll be there tomorrow instead, "round about teatime, definite!"

• My nan went into labour and I had to rush her to East Grinstead hospital
• The cat ate my toolbox and we had to force-feed it caster oil
• Sorry mate I put your postcode in my satnav the wrong way 'round and ended up in Arbroath, but don't worry I won't charge ya the petrol money or nothing
• I couldn't answer the 'phone for the last week unfortunately 'cos it fell down a toilet and the missus has been drying it with a hairdrier so I only just got your 14 messages and 7 voicemails
• I had this emergency job come up at an old people's home and had to drop everything
• I completely forgot it was my auntie Gwen's funeral and ... you're breaking up.... what... sor... charge the battery then I'll give ya a ring yeah...
• Sorry I couldn't make it, I went to sign on and got called in for a Restart interview that went on all morning
• This UFO abducted my nan and....
• The van's off the road after I got cut up by this Polish HGV and went into this geezer from Hull, makes you wonder why we even joined the Common Market dunnit
• Our house got repossessed and the bailiffs took my phone but I'll be 'round just as soon as I can get the kids settled in their foster home